Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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