I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
