guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
