He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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