Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
