She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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