Will you blow on my dice?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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