and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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