I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
