you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
