TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
