"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
