Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
