God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
