you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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