Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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