Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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