if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
