All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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