Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
