Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize