I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
