cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
