In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
