What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
