The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't EVER smell your tampon
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
