I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
PANTIES FOUND
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