My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
