When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
