Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
