Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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