Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
