when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
