He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
