Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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