she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
