rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My feet surprised me
Randomize
