I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
