I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
