Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
