i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
