It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
