dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
