just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
