i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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