twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
