it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
