you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize