if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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