My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
tell me about the fingering
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