The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
