She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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