everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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