at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
