Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
