i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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