my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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