Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
dude. I can hear the air.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
