I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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