We won't sleep together?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
