Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
