And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize