When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He shit in the fireplace
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
