woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
