So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
