A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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