I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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