I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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