I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
