i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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